It was with the birth of my daughter that I felt a sorrow so powerful I thought it might pull me under. It was like a dark undertow of the amazed, protective love that flowed into me the first time I held her and looked into her searching, bewildered little newborn face.

Where are you Mother, I mutter as I walk down another row in the cemetery.Are you still hiding from me?  I scan the headstones, bend down now and then to brush grass off of one in order to read the inscription. Searching. Still searching. “How do you feel about seeing your birth mother’s grave?” Gerry had asked as we drove toward Chilliwack, BC. “I don’t feel one way or the other,” I told him. “It’s just something I feel I need to do.” A number of months ago I resolved that the next time I was in the vicinity I would stop and visit my birth mother’s grave. Closure. That’s what the goal was. To close the circle that had started fifty three years ago when she gave birth to me and then gave me away. It had taken less than five minutes using my smart phone to find the name of the cemetery where she was buried and set the navigation system to guide us there. Finding the cemetery had been easy. Finding my mother would prove to be, predictably, more of a challenge. I knew my half-brother was buried in the same little cemetery so as I scanned tombstones Read more

A couple of years ago I read an ABC News story called Graying Adoptees Still Searching for Their Identities that describes the experience of Carol Cook of Blairstown, N.J., who found out at 33 that she was adopted at. At the time the story ran in 2010, New Jersey was one of the states in which it was not possible for adopted adults to get copies of their original birth certificates. At 68, Cook described how an adoptee feels to be denied access to the truth, likening it to a house without a foundation. On May 9, 2011 the Adoptee’s Birthright Bill was passed in New Jersey but less than two months later, Gov. Chris Christie vetoed the bill, which would have allowed adult adoptees to receive copies of their original birth certificates upon request. The adoption community in New Jersey, and across the United States and Canada, continues the work of educating and advocating for adoptees. Adam Pertman, Executive Director of the Evan B Donaldson Adoption Institute said: “Knowing who you are and where you come from, it turns out, is not just a matter of fulfilling curiosity; it’s something that helps human beings develop more fully psychologically to Read more

  When we are babies our age is measured, first in days, then months, and at some point the measurement switches to years. As children, it’s important to us to specify our age as “and a quarter” or “and a half” or “and three quarters”; we can’t wait to grow up and be big girls or boys. At some point in our life, perhaps around forty, we realize that time is passing quickly. Some embrace a “thirty-nine and holding” attitude and refuse to think of themselves as growing older. Some take extraordinary measures to try and hold on to their fleeting youth, while others walk gracefully into their advancing years, pleased with the wisdom and sense of self that growing older brings I’m fifty-three. In two more years I will be eligible to retire; that’s how I am marking the years now. Sometimes I wish for the years to pass by faster so I can get to the day I can retire from corporate life, other times I want it to slow down so my grandchildren don’t grow up too quickly. Most of the time, I try to take it as it comes. For a number of years a sense of melancholy has Read more

Many of our contributors have gained great wisdom and insight from reading good books about adoption.  These are some of Linda Hoye’s favorites. I also have learned a great deal about adoption from reading phenomenal books.  I always learned something new, acquired a new insight or approach, and/or gained a new understanding about my children, their birth parents, and myself. – Jane Ballback   As an adoptee, I’ve been blessed to find a number of excellent books written by and for adoptees. A few examples are: Whose Child?:An Adoptee’s Healing Journey from Relinquishment through Reunion … and Beyond by Kasey Hamner Mother Me: An Adopted Woman’s Journey to Motherhood by Zara Phillips Lost and Found:The Adoption Experience by Betty Jean Lifton The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Verrier Found: A Memoir by Jennifer Lauck Journey of the Adopted Self : A Quest for Wholeness by Betty Jean Lifton  All of these books speak to the common traits we, as adoptees, share. It’s been comforting to me to know that many of the insecurities I’ve struggled with throughout my life stem, in part, from the wounding of being separated from my birth mother and denied access to my heritage, and that Read more

Sometimes I worry that talking about how being adopted has impacted me might send the wrong message. It’s true that the person I grew up to be was shaped, in no small way, by the fact that I was removed from my family of origin and adopted by another family. I struggled as a child, as a teenager, as a young adult, and as an adult, wondering who I was supposed to be and where I fit in. I have had a sense of shame at my core, not for anything I did but for who I am. I have been terrified of being abandoned, and this fear has contributed to some poor choices. I have felt rejected, legitimately or not, by many or most of the people who have passed through my life. I have been plagued with deep and unresolved grief, a grief I didn’t even realize was there. I tread softly and leave a small footprint because of a sense of not being entitled to what other people are entitled to. I have felt alienated and alone. I have wondered who I would be if not for being an adoptee. But I also have been abundantly blessed. Read more