When most people think about adoption, they think positively about the process and surmise that a child who is unwanted is being given to a family that wants to care for and love the child. And, indeed, this is what normally happens. But there is a sinister side to adoption that is beginning to show it’s ugly head now that 40% of children being born in the United States are entering the world via unmarried parents. Many times, there IS a parent who wants to love and care for this child, and that parent is a father who most likely isn’t even aware that he is a father, or does not know that an adoption is taking place on his child. In a large majority of US States, when a child is born out of wedlock, the father has absolutely zero rights to the child until he legitimates the child. But what about if the father didn’t even know he had a child to legitimate, and would have gladly loved and cared for his child? In these cases, State Law provides for a VERY small window of opportunity for a putative father to step up and acknowledge a child before Read more

I had been browsing a bookstore one day, and came across the blank journal version for “Guess How Much I Love You”. I excitedly snatched it up thinking it would be a great vehicle for which my newly adopted seven year-old son to write his feelings. My intentions were innocent enough, I suppose — though somewhat fantastical. I had read this book to my son countless times. This is the story of two Nutbrown Hares — Big Nutbrown Hare and Little Nutbrown Hare.  Little Nutbrown Hare asks Big Nutbrown Hare the question, “Guess how much I love you?”, and the two try to quantify love for one another with greater and greater measures.   It had been rough going with my son, right from the start. He spent the first seven years of his life in various group and foster homes, having been removed from his birth mother for extreme neglect. I had worked at his group home and saw some of his most severe behaviors, so years later when I made the decision to adopt him I thought I was fully prepared —  and unbeknownst to me, so was he. The battle that ensued when he walked through my door Read more

My family lived in Charleston, South Carolina when I was a kid. We moved out west just after I finished kindergarten. Then one day, two decades later, the Navy stationed my brother out in that neck of the woods with his wife and their kids. They swung on over to our old stomping grounds and took pictures of things that he remembered- the huge old oak tree in front of the grade school, the swimming pool we used to splash around in, and of course, our old house. While out in front of it, snapping a few photos, a young adult neighbor came out to see what they were doing. They chatted and talked about who still lived in the neighborhood and who moved away, etc. Suddenly my brother realized who he was. “I remember you,” my brother said. “I remember when your parents adopted you.” “I’m not adopted,” the young man corrected him. “You must be thinking of someone else.” “Oh, well,” my brother said, “it must have been the people who lived there before you.” “No,” the young man insisted. “My parents have lived here for a long long time.” “Then it must be you,” my brother continued, Read more

Where would we be without birth mothers? Before I got to know my wife and the decisions she had made, I really never gave it much thought about adoption and what it means to me, my wife and those who are unable to have children. Now that I know more about adoption I can’t stop thinking about the blessings that adoption brings to the lives of so many people. I hate to hear the people who have nothing but negative things to say about adoption, and how inconsiderate those people are about the feelings of those birth mothers, birth fathers, adoptive couples and those who have been adopted themselves. Those harsh comments and feelings are what have led me to write this post. I like to think deeper into things, that there are much more meaningful reasons as to why things happen. That perhaps bad things happen to challenge the lives and the hearts of others in hope that they will turn it around and make a good thing come of it. The adoption process hits both sides of that in so many different ways that to me it truly becomes more of a miracle. How does adoption start? I Read more

When our children left home at exactly the same time a few years ago, Jane and I were left with the last “adopted” cat, Bo Bo.  Over the years our children rescued many stray cats who needed a home; and with those eager, compassionate looks on their little faces, we just couldn’t say no.  Once we had five of them at one time! Bo Bo was a real test of our family’s resolve.  She was an orange Persian cat, all dirty, mangled and forlorn when she turned up in our patio.  Her very strange behavior indicated she had probably been abused in some way, so we all pitched in to make her feel at home.  The issue was, she simply could not be litter trained and we were totally flummoxed about what to do.  Thank goodness we lived across the street from a veterinarian, who confirmed for me that there are some cats that never are trained.  She also didn’t spend much time grooming herself which left her long fur matted and tangled. It was never a consideration at this point, that we could relinquish this cat, so we finally came up with the ideal solution.  Cats love small spaces, so Read more

This past week I had a young foster client on the verge of disruption due to his behavior, and though the parents took great care not to disclose that he and his sister were moving, he had that ‘foster kid sixth sense’ that something was up. A week before his disruption, his foster father emailed me and wrote: After a long week in which my son was openly mocking and disrespectful, throwing tantrums and chewing up furniture, we braved leaving the house and went to a movie. At the wishing well in the mall, I gave him a penny to throw. He said his wish was for new parents. Then he grinned at us ear to ear. Not sure if he wanted to hear us reassure him, if he was being sincere, or if it was an attempt to torment us. The siblings had been placed in a home six months ago by the State after being moved countless times. The couple that took them in was very clear when speaking with their caseworker that they were looking to adopt; however, they also stated that they were not equipped to handle high level needs children. They further specified that they Read more

I am writing this article from my point of view as an adoptive father. I have learned a great deal about adoption since Jane and I first adopted our three children. I read her blog and magazine religiously and realize that there are many points of view about this very complex subject.  In this article I do not want to diminish any point of view or philosophy, but I want to share with you an experience I had that reminded me of why I am so happy to be an adopted Dad. I was sitting in a large room with a few hundred other people waiting to be called to serve on jury duty. This was my first time being called and I brought everything I could to keep myself entertained while the process unfolded before me.  A very nice young lady was standing in front of us telling us how proud she was of us for doing our civic duty. The time seemed to drag on when something happened that gave my whole day new meaning. A young man came out to give us more information and just before he dismissed us for a break he put a short Read more

Two of this week’s posts talk about dads.  In “Unsung Heroes,” Mark Coen writes lovingly about his dad in his story called “My Father’s Gift,” and in my blog post, “What Represents a Real Parent?,” I will introduce you to a very unusual and loving dad by reviewing one of my favorite Anna Quindlen books, Blessings. As the editor and publisher of this magazine, I am privileged to have many fascinating conversations with people everywhere I go.  A few months ago, chatting with the man sitting next to me at lunch, he asked what I did and I told him about my adoption magazine.  In the course of the conversation, he eventually opened up to me that he had discovered he was the birth father of a child that, for many years, he never knew existed.  He seemed greatly relieved to have someone to share the story with.  It was an interesting journey for both him and the young man, who had been wondering about “his dad,” his entire young life.  To make the story even more interesting, he was also an adoptive parent. Do You Have a Story to Share? Are you an adopted dad, who has a story Read more

A lot of adoptive parents take a variety of classes before they adopt. (I’ll set aside, at least for now, my usual comment that we’d probably all be better off if all parents had to take these classes.) I really do think this education puts us, as a group of parents, at an advantage. We’ve had to work harder at becoming parents. We’ve thought and talked a lot about having and raising children. We’ve learned about issues surrounding not only parenting in general but also adoption issues that we are likely to encounter in our future. So there we are, all educated and well prepared, and along comes our new child. Aside from sharing our incredible joy, there’s another very special moment that occurs. That’s right: PANIC. It may be a brief moment, a little niggling thing at the back of our brain, but it’s there. But hey! We were prepared for this! Our families, social workers, adoption workers and everyone around us helped us to be ready to be the best parents we could possibly be! So, if you’re like me, you set aside the panic for another time and get on about the business of being a dad. Read more

  How many times have you heard this one? “You are such a good person to adopt!” or “That’s a really wonderful and special thing you did, adopting a child!” or, how about “What a wonderful thing to do!” These are always accompanied by meaningful, soulful looks from the person saying them. I don’t know about you, but personally, I am so tired of hearing these comments. And yes, long before I entered the world of adoption, I’m sure I said the same things more than once. So let me set the record straight: I am NOT a saint. I did not adopt because of ads showing starving kids in third world countries. I did not do this because I am altruistic and wanted to make the world a better place. I am SELFISH. Quite simply, like anyone else, I wanted a family. Since my wife and I couldn’t make our own kids, we found the next best way to make a family. Period. Yes, it’s just that simple. (Too bad it wasn’t just that easy!) Do you have a better explanation? Fortunately for my wife and me, two of the most incredible kids in the world just happened to Read more