Open adoption is dedicated to creating and keeping connections for children over time. The variety of relationships that occur amongst the adoption kinship network (AKN) are quite varied and may expand or contract over time as new people arrive through marriage or reunion or people move away or pass on.  Closed adoptions create walls; open adoptions create boundaries that may change over time as people change or new folks arrive.  Preserving connections is recognition that children have rights to their history and adoptive parents are keepers of their children’s heritage. In a closed adoption, information becomes dated quickly; in open adoptions, new information such a medical flows more easily. Doctors Ruth McRoy and Harold Grotevant have identified twenty-seven levels of relationships through which families might move over time, ranging from closed through mediated with use of a go between, semi-open with communication between adults only and not including the child and fully disclosed or open adoptions. It is typical that different levels of relationships might be formed with different members of the adoption kinship network. Fully disclosed adoptions may move into a less open or mediated relationship because of safety or boundary issues, either temporarily or permanently. Closed adoptions may Read more

Have you ever been in a situation where your child was triggered, and before your eyes he or she became a “different” or much younger version of him or herself? We all have multiple parts within us . . . parts that hold memories, thoughts, and feelings from positive or negative events in our life; adopted or foster children have past events that are connected to trauma or loss. Read More

Babies can hear noises outside the womb by around 20 weeks gestation. They learn about the flavor of breast milk through the amniotic fluid. Their brains are neurochemically prepped to enter into the world that they were expecting. Read More

My personal experience regarding adoption began in August 1955 when I was born to an unwed mother in Taejon, South Korea. My father was likely a military/foreign born man that had a relationship with my birth mother.Read More

Strong emotions are part of the adoption process and oftentimes everyone in the triad has feelings of loss, grief and anger. Sometimes these feelings are directed towards other people and can become toxic and never ending.  Hatred or dislike of others is the fertilizer of dehumanization. Forgiveness can be a path to mastery for some. There are many hurts in the adoption community. The resentment may be related to information withheld or dishonestly conveyed; promises not honored; anger at outcome of our own choices or others choices; choices withheld; support not given when needed; disappointment in others; being dis-empowered during a crisis, etc. The word wound is what comes to mind when we think of an act that requires forgiveness; wounds make us suffer; we must heal to live fully. If someone is stuck in a place of anger and resentment, they are tied to the past in an unhealthy fashion. Each of us touched by adoption need to explore where unfinished business lays and explore what our spiritual beliefs may be surrounding forgiveness. If we choose to keep our anger, it grows and turns into resentment. If the resentment is not resolved, we become bitter. Bitterness attracts more of Read more

Publisher’s Note: I saw an article in the front page of the Los Angeles Times called, “cut-rate fertility: making children a commodity”, about doctors who do fertility work very inexpensively by giving away people’s eggs from a communal pool of fertilized eggs.  This method is apparently less costly than the IVF process. As usual with high-tech reproduction, what is left out of the process are the needs of the children, this time taking backseat to prospective parents and the doctors who sell their product. I asked adoption and high-tech reproduction expert Kris Probasco, to comment on this phenomena and this is her answer. –—————-—–————-————-————-————-————-————-————-————-——————- This is in response to the article, “Ethical debate over embryos on the cheap”.   The article states that Dr. Ernest Zeringue is man-making embryos through egg donation and sperm donation to create a product that is more reasonable than an IVF process.  The embryos are created in batches, frozen, and wait for several families to receive these embryos. What is completely left out is that embryos create children, and children have life-long needs connected to their social, emotional and medical identity.  We learned from the history of adoption which has a very dark past where the Read more

Perhaps there aren’t many of us who had a good experience with a social worker, but I’ll claim one. Her name was Sister Anthony Marie and she changed the course of my life.  It was 1965.  I was 17, and in a home for unwed mothers.  “Sam” as we all called her, was all of 25, vivacious, and very kind.  She obviously was not a mother and knew no more of what my future held than I did.  She was going by the book and the espoused the philosophy of the day. I was impressed enough by “Sam” that I decided to follow her footsteps and become a social worker.  I did not feel compelled to become a nun, however.   I recognized through our encounters, that ‘standing witness’ with humans in emotional pain, was to be my calling. It’s rare to find a woman from my era who has had a positive experience with a social worker.  We were shamed into placing our infants for adoption, resulting in life-long trauma.  It is understandable to hold the “professionals” who gave such erroneous information at least partly responsible. Why were women told that they would go on with life and forget their Read more

My take on Jane’s “Adoption Moment” with Stacee: We all may remember playing this game with our parents or playing this game with our children. It is the game of teaching children about names for facial features. “Where are Sharon’s eyes? Where are Mommy’s eyes?” When playing this game with children who are placed with us and don’t look like us, the game takes on an added dimension. Children become aware of racial differences at an early age around two or three; because of magical thinking they honestly believe they will change and look like us as they grow. We are their heroes and protectors and we are perfect in their eyes. They measure themselves against us. Children adopted across racial lines, have an awakening that triggers a fear and grief reaction and so the doll could have signified many things to your daughter; I do not look like you; I did not come from you; maybe I am not good enough to stay with you; maybe you are sad you don’t have a child that looks like you and I am a temporary child until the right one comes along; maybe I will never look like you.  I am Read more

The 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s brought about substantial change and growth in my personal and professional life.  Once again, I broke all the rules.  I now reflect on how bad the repercussions could have been in one instance in particular. What would have resulted if the parties involved had not agreed on a plan for the very bright, sensitive eight-year old who was on my case load? I guess that sometimes being young and gutsy works in your favor. Perhaps it helps the angels to smile down on the child you’re responsible for. I had known this child for two years. Her mother had chosen not to parent her. Her father had remarried, and unfortunately his new wife also rejected the idea of parenting this little girl. The father was forced to choose – his new wife and their newborn or this little eight-year old girl, who at that time was in foster care. Long story shortened, the girl’s paternal grandparents wanted to adopt her. The foster parents also wanted to adopt the girl after parenting her for almost two years. And a prospective adoption family had stepped forward from the community. The father didn’t want the child placed with Read more

Last summer my son turned 22 and though I was happy to celebrate his birthday there was also a large part of me that felt (and still feels) distant and disconnected from him. It’s not because I haven’t tried to be a part of his life with great determination since I met him in the group home sixteen years ago. The truth is that our relationship has been strained for the majority of his upbringing with me. He came to live with me being ‘parentified’ and not trusting adults. Some of the distance is developmentally appropriate; however a good deal of it is from the lack of investment in him during his formative years. The only male role models in his life before the age of five neglected him. That’s not to say that I am entirely without blame, though I’d like to think I was the ideal father whilst raising him. I was heavily involved in all the activities he participated in, attended all school events, took him on countless camping trips, and always prioritized him over work. He fought me every step of the way, rejected all my advice, threw me under the bus to the outside world, Read more