Let’s Get Real: Embracing Duality in Adoptive Families

In her book Journey of the Adopted Self, Betty Jean Lifton addresses the sticky issue of the word “real” in adoptive families:

“The adoptive mother believes she is the real mother because she is the one who got up in the middle of the night and was there for the child in sickness and health. The birth mother believes she is the real mother because she went through nine months of sculpting the child within her body and labored to bring it forth into the the world. They are both right. The adoptive mother who loves and cares for the child is the real mother. And the birth mother who never forgets her child is also the real mother. By denying that adoptees have two real mothers, society denies them their reality.”

These words are of particular importance to me as an adoptee because not only did “society” deny me my reality, but I also denied it to to myself. An important therapeutic moment happened the day I fully acknowledged myself as the child of two mothers, allowing myself to embrace that duality and all that it meant. I suspect I am not the only adoptee to internalize the struggle between two mothers. The day I gave up the belief that I needed to prioritize one definition of “real” over the other, something important shifted within me: I found wholeness.

Lifton also writes, “For me, a real mother recognizes and respects the whole identity of her child and does not ask him to deny any part of himself.” By this definition, I am happy to say that my adopted daughter Ashley clearly has two real mothers. The acknowledgment and valuing of all that Ashley is, including those parts of her that come from the other mother — this is the core, the very essence, of what her first mother and I are attempting to accomplish through our open adoption relationship. Acknowledgment of the whole of an adopted child’s self, writes Lifton, “is difficult to do in a closed adoption system that requires the child be cut off from his heritage, and that pits the original mother against the replacement mother.”

I don’t want my daughter to have to wait until she is an adult in therapy to discover wholeness. In traditional family situations, nature and nurture come in one package. In adoption, they are split, but they don’t have to be pitted against each other. The more that I am able to embrace my child’s whole identity, the better equipped she is to embrace it herself. Like me, she a child of two mothers and is loved, wholeheartedly, by both of us. We are each a part of who she is, and we are both very, very real.

About the Author

Rebecca Hawkes

Rebecca Hawkes is an adoptee, an adoptive mother, and a biological mother. She and her husband adopted their daughter, Ashley, from foster care and have developed a surprisingly close relationship with Ashley’s original mother. She has much to share from her experiences as an adult adoptee who has reunited with her birth mother and other family members; and as an adoptive mother in an open adoption relationship. Rebecca blogs at Love Is Not a Pie and Ashley’s Moms.

Comments (5):

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   Lori Lavender Luz said:
   September 24, 2012 at 6:03 pm

   “The more that I am able to embrace my child’s whole identity, the better equipped she is to embrace it herself.”

   Words every adoptive parent should live by.
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   Karen said:
   May 19, 2013 at 7:29 am

   Let me add a little perspective from my own life and a decision I made many many years ago. I had a son at a young age and it was still in the 70′s so it just wasn’t a possibility of bringing my child home to my family and gain acceptance. It took many years of my mother and I getting over this. I chose not to live in the streets and try to give my child things I knew I wouldn’t be able to. I made the decision to give him up to a family in another part of the state who had no children and were thoroughly screened for their reliabiity, strength and compassion in their ultimate hope to have a baby of their own in their life. I can’t tell you the sleepless nights, tears and loss I felt for many years. I was contacted 30 plus years later about the state contacting my son and asking for a reunion. I told them I had not initiated contact but had made information publicly available on the reunion registry website that this person would have been able to access. I have a yearning to meet him yes, however; I’ve seen first hand what can happen to the adoptive parents when it goes awry and causes problems. The parents who took my son to love and nourish were his real parents. I gave them joy by giving them a child. I was not going to interfere and put a wrench in the cog and make it difficult. I would welcome seeing my son if it was his decision and my adult children would certainly love it. However, I choose to let my son decide. At this time I have not been contacted and I certainly do understand that there are probably many questions in his mind about where I was and why I gave him up. I gave him up because I loved him so much and that’s between me, my son and God. For all the people who ultimately give up a child and the parents who take them in…God puts us where we need to be. Life is not perfect and I have no right to judge or be judged. To children everywhere who are loved by their birth parents or adopted parents….you are all a blessing and God will look out for you always.
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   Noelle said:
   May 19, 2013 at 10:02 am

   Karen, as adoptive child I would encourage you, beg you, to please seek your son out. You think you are leaving it up to him to decide, but he may want to know you or at least know his medical history. Many adoptees grew up feeling so conflicted because we are told we were “loved so much that we were given away” which really screws with our mental and emotional health because we fear “being give away” and rejected by everyone. We will often close down parts of ourselves because we fear rejection, which is often why people don’t search. But at the very least family medical history is something very important, and if he having kids of his own, this information can be a gift. There is also a chance he was never told he was adopted. And by you searching, if this upsets his AP’s that is their problem. Everyone has a basic right to know their history and their story, we have the right to truth, even if it is painful. From pain comes growth, if we are doing it right…..
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   Rita said:
   May 20, 2013 at 7:56 am

   Karen,
   Hold on to the rails because you are in for the roller coaster of a lifetime. Before reunion I too looked at myself as St. Rita. I believed my son was going to a stable two parent home. They divorced when he was eight and the dad was a pedophile.
   So much for the wonderful job of screening done in the 1970′s.
   Reunion is about you son, not his adoptive parents. You might find out that you were duped or that he did in fact get the wonderful family you hoped for. Just do everything you can for your son and leave the adoptive family to sort things out for themselves.
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   Rita said:
   May 20, 2013 at 7:57 am

   Beautiful post Rebecca. Sadly your daughter was available for adoption, but she is one lucky girl that you became her mother.