30 Things I Wish I Knew Before Adoption Entered My Life
This post was supposed to be “10 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Was Touched By Adoption”, but I can’t use the feel good wording of “touched.” I was not touched by adoption, it’s more like torched, trampled, traumatized, terrorized, tortured and torn apart by adoption. My role in adoption is that of a birthmother and in so many ways I was so unprepared.
We all are.
Adoption Was More like a Destructive Force I Let into My Life
Adoption was almost more like a crack that happened in my soul. A crack that I thought, and was encouraged to believe, would be temporary or always below the surface. Over time, the rest of life worked its way in, like water in cement, and caused the very foundation of myself to crumble. So that gives me number one on my list; the rest is really, really easy and I can also quite easily go on and on, but this carnival only called for the ten things we wish we could have known. I think I just have to go over the number 10.
- I wish I knew that relinquishing my child to adoption was not a onetime event that I would recover from by the most major life altering “decision” that would alter the very course of my existence for the rest of my life.
- I wish I knew that adoption would not be a decision made entirely by me and affect only me, but would have life altering implications across the entire berth of my family. I thought nothing of how it would affect my mother, my brother, and of course my children, both the one that I relinquished and the children I had later on.
- I wish I had known what I really was giving up when I relinquished my Max. I understood the concept of a baby, but I had no clue what it really meant to be a mother. I couldn’t really decide to give up something that I never had to begin with or something that I never let myself have a chance to really experience.
- I wish I had known that public assistance, social services, paternity, child support and all manners of help in general were nothing to be ashamed of, to be afraid of asking for or receiving or something that made me less of a person. I still think about my adoption counselor explaining to me rather briefly how I “could” keep my baby and go on welfare and how very horrified I was of that thought and I never even attempted to consider it.
- I wish I had known how it would feel to know for the rest of my life that I had assisted in denying a man the right to have a relationship with his only child. Had I thought through the ethically complications and moral obligation to the truth and this man’s rights, then I would not have to live with the knowledge of how I horribly and inexcusable wronged another human being.
- I wish I had known that I was strong and capable and worthy of being the mother that I was meant to be. The normal self doubts of a young person basically untried by life were not bolstered in the face of adversity, but rather exasperated and exploited.
- I wish I had known that it was not my job, nor obligation to make another couples’ “dreams of a family” come true. I wish I had known that I should not have taken pride nor comfort or some sick sense of self satisfaction by allowing other people’s needs to go before my own, not that I have an issue about giving of one’s self. I donate my knowledge, I give my time, I volunteer; but a child is not giving of oneself, a adoption is giving of another.. a child. I had no right to do that.
- I wish I had known that my son’s parents would not be quite as grateful and thankful to me as I had expected, hoped or been lead to believe. I wish I was not quite as disappointed that they just won’t speak to me and I have the distinct feeling that they really would just like me to go back away. I wish that didn’t hurt.
- I wish I had known that children really aren’t interchangeable. Just because one party wants something and another party isn’t so sure, doesn’t mean that we can switch things about and pretend we are God and it will work out OK.
- I wish I had known that my son had basic rights to his family, his truth, his heritage, his father, his siblings, and me; more than I ever gave us credit for. To think that I could have thought so little of myself, my family and all the individual traits and histories that make us unique and THAT could have been replace with a one paragraph bio and a few pictures is so insulting to every ancestor that breathed before me.
- I wish I had known that you cannot re-write life as it comes to you. That we can’t cheat it and pretend that things happened differently than we would have liked. And sometimes, most times, given time what seems to be a disaster is actually part of making things work out exactly as they should, but we just don’t know it yet. I wish I had learned to just accept things as they come and live the hand that was dealt to me even if it meant being a mother at 19 because I was a mother at 19!
- I wish I had known that it was very possible to love most fiercely and deeply someone that you haven’t ever really met. I wish I had known that I would know my son before I got to met him again. That I would know his face and it would be so familiar to me. That I would know his smell and I would need it to breath. That I would know and understand how he felt, thought and would react just because I knew…way before I ever knew.
- I wish I had known how much it would suck to hear my other kids say things like “I forget what Max looks like”, or “I don’t feel like I have another brother,” or “If we got real poor would you have to give us away, too?”
- I wish I had known that adoption, which was supposed to preserve my teenage way of life, turned out to be something that completely changed my entire life and here I am, almost 25 years later and adoption is still a major factor in my daily existence, my thoughts, my dreams and, even worse, is also a factor in my whole family’s lives as well.
- I wish I had known that genetics really play a huge portion of who we are and that things like our mutual love of pirates, combat boots, Mohawks and dyed hair, alternative music, God in the woods, being buried in plain pine boxes, Dr. Pepper, Boston cream donuts, thunderstorms, reading, and writing with these dern dots…. was all part of who he was before he was born. I wish I knew that my genes had carried more than the color of his skin and the familiar look of our feet and it was something that irreplaceable.
- I wish I had known that not every adoptee thinks that being placed for adoption was the best thing since sliced bread, are not grateful, are not happier to have a bigger house, and sometimes, can be quite adversely affected by the whole experience. It was really hard to accept that the thing that I thought was “best” could have actually been much worse.
- I wish I had known that there is no real “ready” to become a mother and that the mythology of motherhood as our society has crafted is a vicious losing situation. I wish I had known how easy it is for us to turn on each other and judge our fellow sisters because we are all so concerned about getting it wrong and not being the best super mom on the block
- I wish I had known that it was going be crazy hard this way, being a birthmother, and that all the pain and sacrifices and sleepless nights would be coming to me anyway, but without the joys and pleasures of being with my child. I wish I had known that I would have wanted to make it work, that it would have been worth it to give up the fun
- I wish I had known that fear is never a good basis to make a decision on.
- I wish I would have known that the “scandal” was all in my head and that within six months no one would have cared much less remembered. I wish I had realized that my family would not have thought that I was a a horrible person for getting pregnant forever, but would have loved and adored my baby as I would have.
- I wish I had known that having a baby at 19 would not have “ruined my life”, that being a mother at 19 would not have “ruined my life” and that adoption, well it pretty much ruined my life .. or at least got closer to ruining my life as anything else ever did.
- I wish I had known that school could have been put off a few years, but my mother hood was happening now.
- I wish I had known that I was being exploited and enabled and I walked right into it.
- I wish I had known that adoption was not glamorous or romantic, but that life being a birthmother pretty much sucks
- I wish I had known that the adoption agency really didn’t have my best interest at heart and they weren’t my best friends and I shouldn’t have worried about making them proud by being the “best dern birthmother” and following all the rules.
- I wish I had known that putting everyone else’s’ wants and needs before mine for almost 20 years did not make me better, nor stronger, nor noble, nor brave and didn’t get me a key to heaven.
- I wish I had known that a piece of paper would not make me an un-mother.
- I wish I had known how much it would really, really hurt and how, really, even after reunion , there is no normal and it is never over.
- I wish I had known that my son’s original birth certificate, the one with both our names on it, was precious and something that would be his human and civil right to have. I wish I had the foresight to file for it before his adoption was finalized so I could give it to him now. Instead I spend my summer vacations begging legislators to change the laws and help me right my mistake.
- And then one final wish that I still have now; of all the things in my life and all the mistakes and bad decision I have made, with all the missteps and situations that came to me, whether by my own hand or been done by wrong by someone else; I wish there was a way to change the past and make just this one thing all go away.
I Wish I Had Never Let Adoption into My Life
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July 21, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Hi Claudia,
Although a lot has changed a lot has remained the same, one thin that never changes are the feelings and emotions that are kept hidden by the biological mother who was forced (told she had no other choice) in 1964 and by to days terms ‘date rapped’ back then you where called a whore. I was15, sent to a home for unwed mothers (a safe place to be since it was run and owned by the United Church of Canada).
The secrets I’ve crammed from that experience alone are apauling.
They told me I would never be good enough for a decent man again, so that is what I believed, never had children, never got married until I was 49, just went from one man to the next, any that where really good and nice to me I managed to get rid of because I didn’t deserve them, remember?
Since I’d shamed the family, I never went back there either. My mother put me through hairdressing school because that was the only thing she thought I was capable of doing without an education (grade 8). Life has not been easy working as a hair stylist for over 40 years, now on disability (diagnoised with chronic depression and fatigue) because I can no longer due the only thing I ever really knew.
Anyway before I go off track! The good news is 2 years ago I was reunited with my son, though his efforts to find me after 46 years. I have seen him twice, but because he and his family live in Onario and I live in BC, it’s difficult to get together. The family that raised him are still living in the same area as him and he won’t tell them he’s found me because he feels it would hurt them too much (especially his mother). They have never been completely honest with him about his adoption, only that he was.
There’s so much more, but that all I’m capable of saying right now as I’m becoming too emotional to read what I’m writing.
Maybe we can stay in touch if you like?
Thank you,
Anne
July 25, 2012 at 5:26 pm
Anne, have you heard about or are you a member of the Canadian Council of Natural Mothers? It’s a great support group for women like us. I recently joined, so I still don’t recognize all the names of the folks on the group discussion board. I’ve had many of the same struggles as you, and your comments about secrets and shaming the family are very true in my case, too.
The women at CCNM have been a big help as I work thru my own 2-year-old reunion w my son (b. 1969). They’re also great when you’e feeling emotional and have to express it to someone. If you’e interested, go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ccnm/ for more info. Best wishes to you.
Ronna
July 27, 2012 at 7:36 pm
Oh Anne.. Its true. So much is the very same even with the changes in adoption practices now. The underlying foundation of shame and the life long affects just never end. The one good thing is that the rise of the internet has begun to stop the complete isolation of the adoption experience. I know I had never spoken, knowingly, to another mother who had relinquished before the net. It is so validating to know that we are not alone in our feelings, our pain, our grief. Plus, together, we have to rework the “rules” and expectations about the reality of life as a birthmother. What the professionals told us was just not true and adds to the feelings of “failing”, but we didn’t fail them, they failed us. HAve you found your way to the other birthmother blogs yet? Here’s a list for many. http://www.musingsofthelame.com/2004/03/more-blogs-from-other-mothers-like-me.html
And yes, keep in touch. I’m always around!
August 27, 2012 at 8:18 am
Hi claudia, so nice of you to respond, guess I really didn’t expect you would so didn’t see your response till now….. Are you going to be in Toronto in Oct. 18,19,& 20th.?
If you go to Origins Canada, you’ll find out about it on their website. Would love to meet up with you, I think it will be good to at least try to understand some of the issues we’ve had to live with for so many years. Check it out and let me know, I’m flying from Vancouver because I want some answers from the church and the Childrens Aid Society…..I was a child having a child.??? Why did they snatch my baby and tell me I’d forget about it, NO compassion for me whatsoever.I know it was a long time ago and things where different but there’s no excuse for stupidity. These people should have known I was NOT going to be OK and 46 years later, it’s still not OK!
Anne
May 29, 2013 at 11:57 am
Dear Claudia,
I’m very sorry to hear of your pain. Although I am an adoptive mom, your pain somehow resonates with me. I am not saying I can understand your experience or that I know what you mean. I know how painful those words can be. My first child died suddenly at a very young age. For many years following, I hoped for another child, but it seemed not to be. I wasn’t actively looking to adopt a child, but by what seemed at the time to be out-of-the-blue, I was brought together with a mother-to-be who was looking for adoptive parents. Three months later, we brought “our” baby home from the hospital. When I read posts like yours, my heart is both broken for you (and all “birthmothers”), and I’m left with a feeling that we, as adoptive parents, are somehow guilty of some wrong-doing. After all, our blessing is your pain. Today, in my family, we struggle tremendously with anger and other issues with our child. We are starting to wonder how much has to do with adoption issues, and we are at a loss as to what to do. It is all very overwhelming, and frightening. Of the many things I wish I knew before adoption came into my life (and I count it a blessing for obvious reasons), I wish I knew the pain for all involved. I wish I knew how to prepare for it, how not to make it worse, how to minimize it, and how to help my child work through it and have the best life possible. It is so hard to weed through what issues are to do with adoption and perhaps other things, with a young child. Adoption is a tremendous blessing to adoptive parents, and it brings with it a great deal of pain as well, at least in our case. Blessings to you.
Ruthann
May 29, 2013 at 12:08 pm
I just want to add, in re-reading my post, I would never want to in any way minimize your pain or your sacrifice in giving up your child, nor am I trying to compare our circumstances. I’m just struck by how much pain there can be in adoption for all involved. When I came to adoption, I could imagine to some degree the pain of a birth mother as I thought about the pain of my own loss and tried to imagine making the choice to let a child go. Of course, I could not fully appreciate it, but the fact that it would produce a lasting anguish – that I got. I guess what surprises me so much is how much pain there is for the child and for the birth parents, too. For the child, had I given it any serious thought, I might have realized it (maybe?), but for the adoptive parents, I was clueless.
For any ways that I may be insensitive in my writing, please forgive me. I’m new to all this.
June 4, 2013 at 10:18 pm
I am adopted. I have had an abortion. I have one child(grown). Do not put your children up for adoption.
It will jack up their life and leave them angry and full of pain. You are not doing them a favor. It may take them awhile to figure out what is wrong, but they will.
They will not appreciate being adopetd (I did appreciate getting a horse for raising my math grade from c to a b), but money isn’t everything.
June 5, 2013 at 10:39 pm
dear Grace I could not agree with you more. The feelings of shame and not being wanted are still with me today,It also seems like adopted kids have a high incidence of mental illness.I’m still having bonding issues at 45 years old. I found my bio father then my adopted family disowned me.Now I’m completely alone no family no spouse.I sometimes feel like I’m cursed.
June 6, 2013 at 5:33 am
Everyone has a different experience – I think it would be respectful to avoid sweeping generalizations – I’m an adoptee and I’m not angry or full of pain. I have a fulfilling relationship with my adoptive father – I lost my mother to breast cancer 10 years ago but we were very close – I have no doubt that putting me up for adoption was a difficult decision for my birth mother but I’m grateful for the decision she made – without it I wouldn’t have met my husband, my soul mate – I wouldn’t have my daughter – I wouldn’t live where I live or have the friends I have – I like my life and I like who I am and I wouldn’t have this if it weren’t for adoption.
I have a close friend who was horribly abused by her biological parents – is she better off than me because her parents chose to preserve their biological family? People who are raised by parents who don’t want to be parents are just likely to end up angry and full of pain.
And why ruminate on what I could have had when it doesn’t matter – all of us, adopted or not have a choice to live our lives the way we want to live them from this point on out.