Birth Mothers Rock
I just had one of my favorite discussions about adoption. It’s the one that usually starts something like, “What about… the mother?”
I smile sweetly and say, “I am the mother. Are you asking about the birth mother?”
And inevitably they are. Inevitably they’re asking, “What’s her story? How can she give her baby away? Why doesn’t she want it? Is she on drugs? If she didn’t want a child why did she let herself get pregnant? What’s wrong with her?”
I don’t mind those questions. Well, I’ve gotten used to them, anyway, and I believe that most people ask out of concern for the baby, concern for my family, concern driven by the media’s sensationalized presentation of the occasional adoption-gone-wrong. But still, I’m working for the day when “What about… the mother?” is asked out of concern for the mother who placed her child; the day when it means “How is she doing? Did she have any medical complications? Is she with people who support her? Is she at peace with her decision? Is she OK?”
That would be awesome. Because birth mothers are as much mothers as any other women who have delivered children. Birth mothers get pregnant and share their bodies to give life the same way other women do.
- Some birth mothers smoke during pregnancy and some don’t.
- Some birth mothers do drugs and some don’t.
- Some birth mothers have multiple partners and some don’t.
- Some birth mothers use contraception and some don’t.
- Some birth mothers receive regular pre-natal care and some don’t.
- Some birth mothers text while driving and some don’t.
- Some birth mothers get heartburn and hemorrhoids and morning sickness and gestational diabetes and pre-eclampsia and migraines and some don’t.
But all birth mothers love their babies.
- All birth mothers love the life within them enough to publicly admit their own shortcomings.
- All birth mothers risk shame, criticism, grief, loss, misunderstanding, and physical pain to carry a child for someone else.
- All birth mothers deserve respect for choosing to give life when it is clearly not the easy choice.
I sometimes wonder what I would have done if I had gotten pregnant as a teen or unmarried young woman. I wasn’t ready to be a mother, and I like to think I would have had the courage and selflessness to make an adoption plan for my baby, but I’m not sure. I’m not at all sure.
So, what about “the mother?” I’ve jumped right back into the routine of parenting an infant. I’m high on the blessings of two fantastic kids, and with my husband’s help (he’s fantastic, too) I’m slowly catching up on my sleep.
As for the birth mother, she’s healthy, certain, and loved by her family and friends. She’s moving forward, and she’s very OK.
Thanks for asking.
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April 29, 2012 at 6:46 am
Yes we would hope the birth mother is OK, happy and with a supportive family. But I regret that is more often than not a fantasy invented by those who have absolutely no concern for her well being. So how was my mother shortly after I was born ? Suffering a very great deal of grief because she had lost her baby and been told he had died. Receiving regular beltings from her father because she had shamed the family. Feeling like a slave. The grief and trauma caused has continued to this day over many years as it has for many hundreds of thousands(more likely millions) of women who have been given no real option except to have their child adopted. Ok you say that was years ago. Unfortunately the same things are happening in third world countries now caused by the large amounts of money flowing into them from those wanting to adopt children. Unfortunately large amounts of money lead to large amounts of corruption which is why so many countries no longer allow US citizens to adopt children from their country. Of course I have no doubt you will delete my comment because the truth is rather inconvenient.
April 29, 2012 at 7:08 am
I am sorry but I have never in my entire time in the adoption community met a ‘birth’ mother as you call them who is “healthy, certain, loved by her family and friends, moving forward, and very OK”
It would be very convenient if that were the case but for the majority of original mothers it is not. Those who I have talked to who have tried to move on and be OK realise later that they denied themselves their own feelings because they believe them to be wrong. I find it depressing that a magazine called Adoption Voices would consider publishing an article by an adoptive mother giving voice to original mothers. They can speak for themselves if they are given the opportunity. Let everyone speak their own truth, and let it be the real truth, not what they think everyone wants to hear.
April 29, 2012 at 11:59 am
Stop. PLEASE. Not all “birth” mothers love their relinquished children. I know this as I have stood witness as numerous adult adoptee friends are rejected for DECADES by their first mothers. That is NOT love. Many of these adoptees are still the dirty little secret, hidden away from all of their extended first family by the woman who gave them life. That is not love.
And how are you certain the “birth mother” is healthy, moving forward, and very OK? As an adoptive parent, you have a vested interest in believing this mythology about adoption as it absolves you and your partner of an culpability in the action of separating a mother and her newborn child. Is this what she tells you, and if so, do you have an “open” post-adoption agreement? Do you think it might be possible she tells you these things because she is toeing the politically correct line so she might maintain contact with her child? Do you know for certain this is the Truth, or is it the truth she is willing to tell you so you don’t cut off access to your shared child?
Perhaps the only 100% accurate statement is when you said, “All birth mothers risk shame, criticism, grief, loss, misunderstanding, and physical pain to carry a child for someone else.” But even that isn’t quite accurate, as you need to add the fact that first mothers endure shame, criticism, grief, loss, and misunderstanding for their ENTIRE LIFETIME when they carry a child for someone else. This is why many adoption agencies now offer FREE lifetime counseling for the relinquishing mother. They are tacitly acknowledging a mother who “makes an adoption plan” will suffer throughout her lifetime.
You are not new to these adoption waters, Sally, and I am saddened to see you write such presumptive things about all “birth” mothers. In fact, I am shocked to see you write about “birth” mothers at all, as I had thought you were more enlightened and caring about the plight of women who loose their children to adoption. If you truly were, you would have referred to your child’s natural mother (the legal term, BTW, lest any of your readers get their adoptive parent panties in a wad), as the first mother or some other more respectful term. I know you have read, reread, and even commented on blogs were the terminology about “birth” vs “first” or “natural” is discussed, and how many mothers of adoption loss find the term “birth mother” extremely derogatory, akin to calling an African American the N-word. Yet here you write an article, not only calling mothers of adoption loss “birth mothers,” but also claiming they ALL loved their babies so much, they were willing to put up with a lifetime of pain so women like you could raise their child. I find it rather perplexing you don’t even give a nod to the terminology, as this seems like the perfect venue to help educate others about the noxious origins of the term “birth mother” and offer up an alternative for the many readers of this magazine.
Bravo for your reductionism and disenfranchisement of the very people who make you and millions of women like you mothers. Bravo for ignoring the sad fact that many adoptees never get the Lifetime reunion scenario with their “loving” birth mother who is “OK” with relinquishing their baby. If that was your intent, well done, Sally, well done.
April 29, 2012 at 3:24 pm
I only WISH my birth mother was all the happy rainbow [deleted word] things you’ve written but the sad sad truth is, she like MANY birth mothers just liked having sex but not taking responsibility for the outcome (which totaled 10 TEN abortions and 5 adoptions btw).
While I know there are good women out there that grieve loosing their children through adoption and foster care, I also know you can’t, simply CAN NOT speak for all the mothers out there and say their loving well adjusted people who gave their babies up “for their own good”. Bottom line adoption is not black and white it is a horrible fuzzy shade of gray.
April 30, 2012 at 12:04 am
My mother never recovered from my loss and forced adoption.Despite reunion she died a broken woman from the shame, guilt and the way she was treated. Doesn’t happen now? You bet it does it’s just more subtle, twisted and sick in American adoption. No mother is ok, especialy those who say they do not love or want their babies.It may be convenient for those who push the agenda of adoptionland and the adoption industry to think all is well because after all it is in their best interests to think so.Adoption Voices representing many sides of adoption? Only it seems the sides that are comfortable to promote.
April 30, 2012 at 12:26 am
I am a Mother to a young lady who I have searched for all of her life. The day the scum bag lawyer stole her from me. Telling me lies so many I no longer can remember. I remember the pain, the loss, the being away from my first born baby daughter. I used to cry so much that I just wanted to die. I decided one day that to cry a never ending river of tears did myself no good. I took that power to search for my stolen baby daughter. I placed so many posts on so many webpages that I began to get dizzy. But I never gave up that wanting to know is my baby alive , happy, does she know I am looking for her? If and when I find her as I had a goal I set for myself and my life to find my missing daughter. I did what I could I made hundreds of calls to the scum bag lawyer and of course he had more excuses more lies to tell me. Then finally one night I had a dream and I followed each and every step it showed me (call me crazy many have and many will) I did each thing it showed me to do. I went back to the very first place, I had placed my very first post on an adoption webpage where birth mothers and etc can search place there posts and etc. Well I put in my information and low and behold there was a post from a young lady looking for her mother and that woman was myself. I asked for help after I had responded to her post but it had been a few years done the line that her post was placed. I asked someone who had been trying to help me and she found a person on Facebook. As I had sent an email to the left post with of course no return. The person gave me the name of this young lady off Facebook I then sent a message and of course I then had to wait. I said to myself more waiting when is this waiting ever going to stop!!. I then had no response from the message I had sent on Facebook. I did notice she was with a young man and had his information on her Facebook. I then said to myself Paula take that chance what do you have to lose. I have already been searching 30 years and I took the chance I typed to this young man and I sat and I waited what seemed to be like hours which was more like 20 minutes maybe. I then got a reply from him that she was indeed the young lady who has been looking for me. I then sat in my chair and just cried for hours and hours. With the thought inside of my head that maybe this could be my lost daughter. He told me that he had spoken to her and she too was crying as well to have maybe found me. I then waited and low and behold she began to message me via Facebook. Guess what it turned out that she was indeed my stolen daughter. So there is a side to each thing we go through in our lives looking, seeking our lost children. But to find ones lost child is like a miracle and many need to never give up that hope..
April 30, 2012 at 12:29 am
We have to pretend we’re OK. Otherwise you decide we’re crazy and ban us from seeing our children. When we’re allowed to see them in the first place.
I learned this the hard way. I never pretended to be OK. My son’s adopters took personal offense at this and spent as much time berating and abusing me for my attitude as they did allowing me to communicate with my son. Make no mistake, he was not adopted at birth. He was conceived in wedlock, I had him for most of the first three years of his life and I turned to my in-laws for help after having to put their son in prison. My trust was misplaced. I had no money for a lawyer. No parent has rights in this country unless no one is coveting their children. Period.
What would you call me, Bacchetta? I had him the first three years of his life. He knew me as Mom. I have since given birth to another child, almost nine years younger than her brother. I’m raising her. What would you call me? What am I? “What,” not “who”–God knows you adopters don’t see us as human.
I fully expect my son to hate me if I ever see him again. That’s what the culture teaches them. We’re just dumb brood mares put on this earth to make kids for other people.
Thank you. Your piece was so inspiring.
April 30, 2012 at 2:31 am
“All birth mothers love the life within them enough to publicly admit their own shortcomings.” I’m not clear on your meaning here. Do you mean that making this so-called “adoption plan” is their way of admitting a mistake? Yes, there are a few mothers out there who don’t want their children and maybe they’re ok with surrender but my guess would be that it’s a very tiny percentage who feel that way. Most mothers do want their babies and are making this “adoption plan” out of desperation. It’s not a “plan” for many, it’s surrendering to the pressure and being brainwashed by the coercion of the industry.
“All birth mothers risk shame, criticism, grief, loss, misunderstanding, and physical pain to carry a child for someone else.” Most mothers are NOT carrying a child for someone else. When a woman is pregnant that child is hers! She is being convinced by a very powerful and greedy business that she is carrying someone else’s child.
As Melynda said, she is the child’s mother, NOT a “birth”mother. I am my daughter’s natural mother and losing her to adoption was certainly not my way of admitting my shortcomings. Losing her was a tragedy for both of us, it was not my choice and I don’t believe for a second that for most mothers now it’s truly a choice freely made. The methods of the industry may be different but for too many mothers, relinquishing a child to adoption is still an act of desperation.
You have no idea if your child’s mother is “very ok”. I wish you wouldn’t speak for her. You’ve not been in her shoes. I haven’t been in her same situation but I do know what it’s like to lose a child to adoption. Everyone else thought I was just fine. On the surface I functioned, I worked, I raised my other 2 children, I’ve lived a normal life. On the inside – a piece of me died the day I lost my daughter. I’ve never recovered, even after 10 years of reunion. This experience is not something you get over, the pain is a life sentence. Don’t ever presume to speak for us.
April 30, 2012 at 3:21 am
I think in this post she’s only referring to her child’s first mother, not all first mothers. I think she means to make a positive portrayal of her child’s mother as opposed to what she mentioned in the beginning of the post, what people expect, for the adoptive parents to say the first mother was *horrible* and thus the adoption was some sort of rescue. Instead, Sally is replying something atypical than what the asker, who wants juicy gossip, expects to hear. I have been reading her blog for a while so I’m just guessing. I believe in portraying my first mother positively as well (of course I would, she’s an awesome person) when people want the juicy gossip on her. Although, my response would be a bit different than Sally’s is as some of my views are a bit different.
April 30, 2012 at 12:50 pm
I do understand what you’re saying Amanda. Yes, she is trying to be positive about her child’s mother but from where I stand she is also attempting to speak for all of us. She said “all birthmothers” four times. As positive as she was trying to be about the natural mother, it was still full of “positive adoption language” and that was disappointing to me. And as Dana said, mothers have to pretend to be ok. It’s called survival. Sometimes it’s for their own emotional survival and sometimes it’s to keep contact with their child or both. Sally has no way of really knowing how that mother is doing. Unfortunately, the pretending on the part of so many mothers is what leads people to believe that we’re just fine with what happened. Coming from a very secret, closed adoption situation I know what that’s like. That’s why I felt compelled to say something. AP’s like Sally need to know that they don’t know and shouldn’t speak for her or any of us. I also wish they would stop portraying natural mothers as courageous and selfless as if making this “plan” is a noble thing to do. The noble and moral thing to do would be to help mothers keep and raise their children. Adoption should be a last resort and as long as AP’s keep telling the world that we’re just fine and moving along, that we’re courageous for giving our children to other people to raise then we’re NOT moving in the direction of making any changes.
May 6, 2012 at 3:51 am
Carlynne, I was not criticizing what you said to her. If only through my own mother as well as the countless others, such as yourself, that I know–I know what you have said to be true. I know all first moms cannot be lumped in one group. I see exactly how what Sally wrote could come off to a first mother and how the language used was generalizing in several places.
My comment was an attempt to add some context and background for people who are not familiar with her. I know her, through her blog, to be an ally to adult adoptees and first parents. I will not say you’re wrong, because I don’t think you are. I am not saying I agree with everything she said. As an adoptee, I looked at this post and the comments on it and saw people who have been allies to me who are on either side of an issue/argument. My goal was not to promote what she said, or invalidate what you said, but to try to build a bridge.
I’m not very good at bridge building yet. I will get there
April 30, 2012 at 1:02 pm
I’ve read Sally’s blog and she does have some great posts that many of her fellow APs would do well to read.
However, in the middle section she does say “all birthmothers” not just her child’s own:
“But all birth mothers love their babies.
•All birth mothers love the life within them enough to publicly admit their own shortcomings.
•All birth mothers risk shame, criticism, grief, loss, misunderstanding, and physical pain to carry a child for someone else.
•All birth mothers deserve respect for choosing to give life when it is clearly not the easy choice”
It comes across as a bit patronising.
I concede it is an improvement on some other APs who are trying to be “supportive” who say things like:
“I love birthmothers – I wish there were more of them. If it weren’t for birthmother being selfless, we wouldn’t be parents”
April 30, 2012 at 3:42 pm
I’m an adoptive parent of Russian born children. I have to admit when I read this article, I thought “wow, she’s opened up a hornet’s nest and is going to get a lot of comments”. After reading the comments and how quickly they summarize many natural mothers’ experiences, I have to wonder if perhaps her wording was intentionally provocative. If it hadn’t been, there wouldn’t be such raw emotion and the potential to show the rest of the world the loss many of you live daily. I’ve read Sally’s blog and she seems to have nothing but respect and affection for the natural mother of her children.
Through the commentary, many people are learning about first mothers in a way they might not otherwise have had the opportunity to see.
April 30, 2012 at 3:49 pm
I relinquished my daughter at birth almost 20 years ago. Why did I choose adoption? I chose it for her. Not because it is what I wanted. I had not not be selfish. Am I ok? It depends on what one would consider ok. Being a birthmother, and wondering about my birthchild, is something that is a part of each day. Yes, I was fortunate to meet a person and have four beautiful kids…but I look at those kids and wonder if they will meet her. So it is all consuming. And, as others have stated…not every birthmother rocks. Sorry to say it. Some should not be a parent to their child and that is why they became a birthmother. I have met women who were forced to relinquish by the system because of the size of their family. They did not choose adoption. Please do not lump us into a category like cattle. We all have a story, and it is very personal.
May 1, 2012 at 1:21 am
I think the problem to me is that the heading itself “Birthmothers Rock” more or less implies that the reason they rock is purely because of the “service they have provided”.
I know some online first mothers and I think they rock but they rock because they are awesome invididuals who I think rock as people – their birthmotherhood is incidental.
All birth mothers love the life within them enough to publicly admit their own shortcomings. – My first mother’s main “shortcoming” was that she didn’t have a ring on her finger – that is it.
All birth mothers risk shame, criticism, grief, loss, misunderstanding, and physical pain to carry a child for someone else – I hope my first mother didn’t think of herself as “carrying a child for someone else”. She was not a surrogate.
All birth mothers deserve respect for choosing to give life when it is clearly not the easy choice – For many first mothers, they may have never even considered “ending the life” – thus “chosing to give life” might have been the easiest choice of all (I am assuming that the author means “not chosing abortion”.
“As for the birth mother, she’s healthy, certain, and loved by her family and friends. She’s moving forward, and she’s very OK.”
Perhaps but every online first mom I know has said that the last person to know how they really feel is their child’s amother.
May 1, 2012 at 5:00 pm
As some of you know, I usually say first mother or first father. Why did I use the term “birth mother” in this piece? Because that’s the term my children’s first mothers prefer. I don’t, but they do.
In response to Melynda, who said, And how are you certain the “birth mother” is healthy, moving forward, and very OK? and Carlynne, who said, You have no idea if your child’s mother is “very ok”. I am as certain as you are when someone close to you tells you how they feel. I am no more or less certain than you or anyone else can be. It would be arrogant and condescending of me to deny what she claims as her truth. As many of you point out, I am an adoptive mother, not a first mother, and thus unqualified to speak for first mothers. I agree with you. I don’t know for certain what her truth is. And neither does anyone else. None of us are qualified to speak for anyone but ourselves. But since we have a close relationship and since we are integral to each other’s lives, I accept what she offers as her truth, and she accepts what I offer as mine. They are seldom tidy and always complicated, but they are our truths as we know them right now, regardless of what anyone else thinks. As Joanne Marie said, Let everyone speak their own truth, and let it be the real truth, not what they think everyone wants to hear.
Those of us who blog, author, or comment do so from our own perspective; we comment on universal themes, but our commentary is necessarily rooted in our singular experience. Yes, we find similarities – sometimes chilling, staggering, monumental similarities – but ultimately, we each can only speak for ourselves. Julie M. was right to say Please do not lump us into a category like cattle. We all have a story, and it is very personal. I was completely wrong to speak about “birth mothers” as a group. In my attempt to counter some common (negative) misconceptions, I overreached. I homogenized individuals. I own the mistake, and I am sincerely sorry for the pain that I caused by generalizing and by presuming to represent anyone other than myself. It was not my intention, but my mistake. I regret causing pain.
I know how damaging generalizations can be. I know because as an adoptive parent I am often lumped together with other people with whom I share nothing except the fact that we adopted. Dana said, We have to pretend we’re OK. Otherwise you decide we’re crazy and ban us from seeing our children and God knows you adopters don’t see us as human. The notion of Adoptive Parent as a definable persona is as invalid as the notion of a Birth Mother persona. I know of some adoptive parents who are ruthless and selfish and unethical, and I know some who are the polar opposite. I know some first parents who are cruel and selfish and rejecting, and I know some who are the polar opposite. I agree with Melynda that many adoptees never get the Lifetime reunion scenario with their “loving” birth mother who is “OK” with relinquishing their baby. But some do, and some are, and those experiences are as valid and important as any other.
I am deeply grateful to all of you for taking the time to comment. I know you didn’t do it for me, but I’m grateful anyway. I doubt I would have evolved in the direction I have if it weren’t for the passionate, inexhaustible voices in the adoption cyber community. As recently as a few years ago I was a wide-eyed, rainbow skittle-addled prospective adoptive parent who knew absolutely nothing about “the other side” of adoption. I didn’t even know there was another side. I had been fed at the industry buffet heaping helpings of “you’re giving a home to a child who would otherwise be aborted or left to languish in foster care,” and “you’re helping to solve a problem for someone else.” The pro-adoption media machine is powerful and pervasive, and I had no reason to question it. (These were social workers, after all!)
Today I am wiser, more cautious, and much more aware. I am also inherently flawed. I sometimes fail to express myself the way I want to. I sometimes overlook another perspective. I don’t anticipate every outcome. That’s who I am right now, and I’ll be different tomorrow. We all will.
Sally
May 1, 2012 at 9:49 pm
I am intrigued by the conversation this post has generated, even though I am saddened by some of your stories.
I want to assure you there will be many stories from birth mothers, first mothers and natural mothers. Two are posted now in “Parents Perspective”, and “Sounds From the Silence.”
This magazine was designed to capture the voices of everyone in the adoption triad, and those touched by- or engaged with – adoption in a myriad of other ways.
Adoption can result in enormous amounts of grief and anger, and it is also possible that those in a specific triad end up happy and satisfied despite knowing that adoption has been, and will always be, an imperfect solution for children who are orphaned, or relinquished in circumstances that are sometimes benign and sometimes are brought about by the ill-intentions of groups and individuals.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and stories here. We are all listening to you and we hear you.
May 2, 2012 at 10:24 pm
My Goodness, this has been such a valuable conversation!
I have had the priviledge of working with woman who had to make very difficult descisions over the past fifry years. Some had real choices, most did not, given the morals of whatever decade they found themselves living in. Adoptions and choices have evolved much; much has changed and much has not, depending on what State you find yourself making such a descision in and who is handling your needs and what their level of knowledge and verasity may be. There are still disreputable folks practicing adoption that can affect a man’s, woman’s and child’s life forever both here in the US and abroad.
When I and Deborah Silverstein formulated the Seven Core Issues of Adoption in the 80s we were certainly responding to the many losses everyone touched by adoption was experiencing even intergenerationally. As I became an advocate for total open adoptions and open records and my book, The Open Adoption Experience was published (with co-author, Lois Melina), I watched how healthy adoptions could evolve but also noted that the losses were still present. There is no way to do adoption without loss! We all must accept that adopted people have two mothers and fathers and adoption does not cancel out or make up for the loss of growing up with your genetic family of origon. It may be the exactly right plan, but people still grieve and have a lifetime of issues that need to be addressed at various times over the years. I personally feel that that is why the adoption community is so rich because most people in adoption work very hard to be the best they can be! Everyone must feel that both their origonal family and their legal, everyday, family are honored and that both the birth mother and birth father and adoptive parents are accorded their respect for what they offer the adoptee. I have also devoted many years of placing older children and sibling groups placed from the foster care system where parental rights have been terminated. If we don’t honor those parents as well, we rob the adopted person of many gifts. Let us be clear that any generalization is unfair. All that has been written is true for some and not for others. Having compassion and forgiveness and acceptance of people different from us is a great gift that adoption can teach us all.
May 11, 2012 at 1:02 am
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